"It's 'Merry Christmas,' mothertrucker!"

With the onset of the last month of the year comes the onset of "The War on Christmas" season. Or did that begin on Black Friday? Or earlier? I don't keep track of these things, but it seems like Christmas shopping season starts earlier every year, so I must be about two weeks behind in reporting on the beginning of this year's "War on Christmas" season.

Whatever. The "War on Christmas" is bullshit anyway. Is there any quicker way to suck the fun out of something than by making that something into a political football? I don't think so.

Quite frankly, I think the people baw-ing every time a cashier wishes them "Happy Holidays" are hypocrites. "Holiday" is too generic, they complain."You're taking CHRIST out of Christmas!" they bleat.

Actually, if you want to get technical about it, there's very little "Christ" in Christmas already, at least the way we celebrate it here in America. Dust up on some history. Many of the symbols we associate with Christmas actually derive from non-Christian pagan traditions predating the birth of Jesus Christ. For example, mistletoe, yule logs, holly wreaths, even the beloved Christmas tree are all non-Christian in origin. Early Christians incorporated many pagan symbols into their own holiday to make Christianity more palatable to pagans (and thus, win over more converts). There's a word for this practice, too: syncretism. And if you want to get really technical about it, astronomers actually believe the birth of Christ happened a lot closer to the summer than to Dec. 25.

So a "good Christian" who wants to "keep Christ in Christmas" should probably be celebrating the birth of their savior in June - and shouldn't get a Christmas tree.

And if you want to throw another monkey wrench into the equation here, the word "holiday" literally means "holy day," so Fox News aficionados should be happy when retailers acknowledge their upcoming winter gift-giving day as holy.

We should all realize by this point that the "War on Christmas" is kind of an imaginary phenomenon that conservative commentators use to stir up white, middle-class Christian rage around this time of the year. It's convenient. The American Family Association needs something to be mad about, and lord knows you can't be angry about gays in the military and women in the workforce year-round. You've got to mix it up a little! It also helps their case that Christians in America are oppressed. (Hint: You're using the wrong suffix.)

If you want proof the AFA is just a bunch of whiny little ninnies with nothing better to spend their time on, click here to read their latest press release condemning Gap's holiday ad campaign. Remember they initially got their panties in a twist because (they claimed) Gap left the word "Christmas" out of this year's ad campaign, when the clothing retailer, in fact, included it in a very in-your-face kind of way. The bottom line is the same anyway: "Happy Holidays! Rah, rah, rah! Buy our shit!"

As for me personally, well, this time of the year gets very stressful, and I do tend to turn into a bit of a Grinch. I'm just trying not to stress out too much and to just kick back and enjoy spending time with my friends and family. Gift giving can be fun if you don't go overboard, and everyone loves an excuse to eat, drink, and be merry. Plus, if Richard Dawkins can do Christmas, then I think I can feel pretty OK about doing Christmas as an atheist.

If you take the politics out of it, then it's kind of a neat cultural phenomenon. It's interesting to see the way we've combined various religious and cultural practices over several centuries to create this one big amalgamation of food, shopping, pine trees, and peppermint. And boy, do I love peppermint mocha lattes!

One more thing before I go, though: I will not hesitate to tease and heckle these "Merry Christmas" warriors. If you force pamphlets into my hands or chide me that "Jesus is the reason for the season," then I will probably get in your face and tell you I celebrate solstice or Festivus or that I worship the sun god or a can of Spam or something equally ridiculous. Just because it's fun to make them sputter.

Happy Holidays, friends! :)

"War on Christmas" season has officially begun!

The L.A. Times has an excellent piece on the American Family Association's recent call for Christians to boycott Gap. Their offense? Failing to mention the word "Christmas" in their holiday advertising. Except that they actually do mention Christmas, so maybe the real offense is mentioning Christmas in the same breath as Hannukah, Kwanzaa, and solstice.

But as Dan Neil points out, their injunction against Gap may not matter at all anyway.

If you look at the history of the organization's boycotts -- often involving punitive actions against companies that support gay rights -- you'll see that they have no commercial impact. Actually, these boycotts seem to be good for business: In the decade of the AFA's boycott against Disney, which ended in 2006, the world's largest entertainment conglomerate's revenue roughly doubled to $34 billion. Likewise for Ford, which just posted a billion-dollar profit in the third quarter of 2009.

Personally, I don't particularly care whether someone wants to wish me a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or a Happy Kwanzaa. Whatever. Do what you want, but don't bleat on about how a cashier wishing you "Happy Holidays" is "taking the Christ out of Christmas," especially if you're indulging in the consumerist pseudo-holiday madness that is known as Black Friday. After all, nothing says "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" like two soccer moms assailing each other with their shopping carts to get the last $40 mechanical hamster.

On another note, I did go out this morning, on Black Friday. Not because I wanted to, but because I was assigned the duty of interviewing shoppers for our annual Black Friday shopping story. The chore was not as horrible as I imagined it to be, although I parked at the mall and hoofed it to Wal-Mart and Best Buy. My soaking wet shoes and socks are now parked on top of my desk in the newsroom. I just hope I don't forget to bring them home with me.

I am terrible at updating this blog on a regular basis. Please forgive me, Internets.