"It's not the fall that hurts, it's when you hit the ground"

I usually post these things to both Facebook and Blogger, but for some reason, I didn't post this here yet. It's dated October 17, 2009. Seriously, the most exhilarating experience of my life. I highly recommend it. (Photo by Roger P. Major of the Connecticut Parachutists, Inc.)

From my Facebook post:

I had the most amazing experience of my life today. Although I've never really considered myself a thrill seeker, adrenaline junkie, or even much of a risk taker, today, I jumped out of an airplane 10,500 feet off the ground.

OK, so it was a tandem jump. So I really didn't need to remember to pull the cord, or, well, anything. And statistically speaking, a tandem jump is much safer than even crossing the street.

"Yeah, but you don't need to sign a waiver to cross the street," more than one pessimist responded. I didn't care. I still felt like I had to do it. My father did it. My mother did it. Technically, I already did it, as my mother was pregnant with me at least one time she jumped.

It was amazing. Have I said that already? Let me tell you about it.

We went through a few basics before we even got in the plane. Jim, my tandem instructor, told me that when we approached the door, I was to lean back, rest my head on his shoulder, hold onto my harness, and tuck my legs underneath the plane. Then, we would jump, he'd do a quick safety check (in the air!!) and tap me on the shoulder to let me know I could release my harness and put my hands out in the air.

But it all happened so quickly, I didn't even think about it. I'm not gonna lie: The first few seconds after we jumped out of the plane were the most terrifying of my life. Free fall. My body was traveling at about 120 mph. The best way to approximate this feeling is to stick your hand out the car window while you're driving on the highway. That's about a fraction of what you feel during this free fall.

I also experienced the strongest, most intense "HolyshitOhmygodIjustjumpe

doutofaplaneImgonnadie!!!" sensation I've ever had in my life. I even felt like I couldn't breathe. Jim explained later that this is a product of your body's "fight or flight" reaction. Your blood rushes to all your internal organs and you can have difficulty breathing. I gulped in air because I knew I wasn't underwater and theoretically could still breathe. Consequently, I look kind of like a goldfish in some of the pictures Roger the videographer snapped while we were in the air.

The free fall didn't last very long, though. Or it might have. I'm not really sure. I had pretty much no sense of time while I was doing this. Or space, or distance, or speed.

Once Jim deployed the parachute, I felt like everything just stopped. It was cold, and I was still about 5,000 feet off the ground, but it was actually quite peaceful and relaxing. We had a beautiful view of the New England scenery, and everything was just... quiet. Peaceful. Relaxing.

Jim did a few more safety checks and loosened my harness. (As much as loosening your harness mid-air sounds like a bad idea, Jim explained that it actually makes it easier for the jumper to breathe, and it makes landing easier.)

He steered the parachute over the field where we were to land and instructed me to stick my feet out straight in front of me. I slid to a stop, mostly on my ass. It's OK because I was wearing a jumpsuit.

Once I landed, I couldn't stop giggling. Actually, I've been breaking out into giggle fits all day whenever I think about it, especially those first few seconds out of the plane. I immediately felt like I had to run everywhere. I had so much excess energy to burn off. Or maybe it was the adrenaline. I don't know.

The bottom line is that it was an incredible, exhilarating, life-affirming experience, and if you're thinking even just a little bit about going on a tandem jump, then you should absolutely do it. I highly, highly recommend it.

The end. :)

Glenn Beck as a comic character

As of late, I've taken an interest in comedy writing - partly to "broaden my horizons," so to speak, and partly to improve my overall abilities as a writer. Dave was kind enough to loan me an excellent book for just such a purpose, John Vorhaus' The Comic Toolbox: How To Be Funny Even If You're Not. I just finished up Chapter 4, Comic Characters, and I think Fox News pundit/scaremonger Glenn Beck almost perfectly fits Vorhaus' rubric for creating a solid comic character.

First, a comic character must have comic perspective. Vorhaus writes, "The comic perspective is the character's unique way of looking at his world, which differs in a clear and substantial way from the 'normal' world view." Can there be any doubt that Glenn Beck possesses a strong comic perspective, that his perspective on the world is indeed warped?

In this case, Glenn Beck's comic perspective is his peculiar brand of off-the-wall paranoid quasi-libertarian-conservatism, and everything he sees or reads in the news gets filtered through this perspective. If Glenn Beck simply opposed President Obama’s policies or opinions, there would be nothing remarkable or comic about him. To give an example, Beck doesn’t oppose health care reform because he’s concerned about government spending. He actually thinks Obama wants to expand health care as a means of reparations. You know, for slavery. That’s an example of how Beck filters what’s happening out in the real world through his own unique comic perspective.

Vorhaus' second requirement for a good comic character is exaggeration. "The tool of exaggeration, then, simply takes a comic perspective and pushes and stretches and accelerates it until it's sufficiently far from our perspective that it starts to be funny," he explains.

Nobody does exaggeration like Glenn Beck. Beck isn't just conservative. The man lives in crazy, upside-down conserva-world. Up is down! Black is white! Left is right! Need an example? When Obama criticized that Cambridge police officer regarding the whole Henry Louis Gates fiasco (which is really another discussion by itself), well, he wasn’t just perhaps speaking a bit rashly. No, by Beck’s reasoning, Obama said that stuff because he’s a racist! He’s racist against white people! And he hates white culture! No, never mind that Obama is half-white himself and was raised by his white mother and white grandparents. And never mind that when asked by Katie Couric to define what he even meant by “white culture” (Could you have meant this, Glenn?), Beck hemmed and hawed and refused to even answer the question, but still defended his original point. No. The president is just racist. ‘Nuff said.

Third, a comic character must also have flaws. Oh, boy, does Mr. Beck have flaws. He’s paranoid, and he’s easily given to crazy delusions. Nowhere did he better illustrate this than in the episode when he went off on a rant about the "socialist art" in Rockefeller Square. (Also, the Rockefellers were progressives? Again, see the aforementioned criteria, and you'll better understand how this fits into my argument.)

Finally, Vorhaus writes, a comic character must have humanity. "We used flaws to drive a wedge between the character and the audience so that the audience could laugh. Now we use humanity to build a bridge between the character and the audience so the audience can care," Vorhaus says.

Sure, Glenn Beck has humanity. He obviously cares about his country very much. He's patriotic. And on top of that, he's sensitive. And emotional. We know that, however crazy and delusional he is, at least, he cares. And we know that he cares because why else would he throw an emotional fit on national television? Surely, he wouldn't humiliate himself on TV for fame, right? ... Right?

Taken altogether, we can see that Glenn Beck is a real, live, flesh-and-blood example of the perfect comic character. He possesses comic perspective, exaggeration, flaws, and humanity. Just like Michael Scott on The Office, or Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. But the thing is, Glenn Beck isn’t a fictional character, and whether or not he actually believes half the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth, he at least appears to take himself very seriously. And so do his millions of viewers, although I like to believe that at least some of those viewers either take his bullshit with a grain of salt or they’re just high. Or they’re making a drinking game out of his TV show. (My liver hurts just thinking about that!)

Already this year, we’ve seen at least two incidents of right-wing domestic terrorism, in the actions of Scott Roeder and James von Brunn. It certainly wouldn’t be surprising if similar motivations were behind the recent killing of census worker Bill Sparkman, although to be fair, the investigation is still in full swing. I can’t say with any certainty whether any of those people followed Glenn Beck, or Bill O’Reilly, or Rush Limbaugh, or any of the other “They’re out to get us!” right-wing scaremongers. But I can say, with some degree of certainty, that things are changing in this country, and that’s resulting in a lot of anger, fear, and hatred, coming from, well, white guys who are viewing themselves as increasingly disenfranchised victims of the federal government.

As talking heads, Beck and his colleagues have some degree of control over the tenor of our political discourse. They should accept that and maybe think about toning down some of their more outlandish rhetoric. (Beck, remember, once joked on air about poisoning the Speaker of the House.) For years, conservatives have railed against Hollywood and television’s invidious influence on society. Sorry guys, but it’s too late to backtrack and tell us all that your own words have no impact on any unhinged listener’s violent actions.

And while I’ll concede that liberal talking heads say plenty of stupid things on their own (Janeane Garofalo, just shut up!), you’ll find very few, if any, actually advocating violence. (I personally can’t think of any myself, but I’m sure they’re out there.) On the other hand, it’s hard to think of a conservative talking head who hasn’t done so.

Dissent is great. Debate is fantastic. But we’re human beings, so we should be able to keep it civil, especially during a time of great difficulty for our country. Going on the radio or television and spewing your crazy conspiracy theories, telling your millions of viewers the government wants to pull the plug on grandma when you know damn well that isn’t true, is just irresponsible. Whether or not they mean it seriously, Glenn Beck and his associates often do us one worse when they actually advocate violence and chaos.

And there’s nothing funny about that.