I tell myself that poverty during youth is good for the soul...

... Trouble is, I'm not sure that I even believe in a soul.

This week, I learned that I am too poor for Chase Bank.

I recently entered a branch near my school armed with two coupons, hopeful that I could use at least one of them, if not both. I know how banks work, I thought. They want more accounts, and if you bitch loud enough, they'll let you double up on the promotional offers.

That, at least, had been my experience from the other side of the tellers' counter during the 18 months I worked part-time as a bank teller in Connecticut.

There are a couple problems with this strategy. First, I do not really know how to bitch in order to get my way. Second, even if I did know how to bitch at a complete stranger, I apparently do not have enough money for Chase Bank to really give a shit whether I keep it with them or some other chump bank.

I sat down with a plump older woman who spoke with a vaguely Caribbean accent and who explained that Chase checking accounts currently charge a monthly service fee of $6, but they were soon phasing that out in favor of a checking account that would charge a $12 monthly service fee, unless you either had a direct deposit totaling $500 or more or maintained a balance of at least $1,500. In your checking account.

I really only wanted to open the account so that (a) I could use an ATM somewhere in the city without incurring a $2 - $3 fee and (b) I could possibly earn an extra $100.

No luck on either count.

I suppose I will have to stick with my original strategy of using Rite-Aid as my own personal ATM, the only trouble there being that I can only use so much mouthwash in one week.

Livin' on the edge

One day during Dave's recent visit, he watched as, bare-fingered, I grabbed the ceramic grate off my hot stove top in an absent-minded daze. He fretted over the toaster's proximity to the sink. Concern spread across his face when he asked how I coaxed my toast out of the contraption and I replied, "With a fork."

"The way you live, my dear, is a death trap."

"Nuh-uh!" I protested. I then sliced my finger while washing a knife.

I will concede, he may have a point.

Death, taxes, and...

Pundits of all political stripes will never cease to amaze me with their ability to use a mind-blowingly awful tragedy as an opportunity to defame their political opponents. Why did Jared Lee Loughner shoot all those people? Was it Glenn Beck who made him do it? Sarah Palin? Sean Hannity? Keith Olbermann? The Hamburglar?

In some instances, the perpetrator of crimes like this has a clearly delineated motive and a clear goal in mind. My amateur speculation tells me this was not the case with Loughner, that he was just an emotionally unstable individual who simply came unhinged.

In some ways, that scenario is even scarier than the terrorist who has a clear, political motive for his or her actions. You can't plan for this kind of tragedy, and you can't predict it. All you can predict is the typical reactionary bullshit from both sides of the aisle afterward. I say that only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and Rush Limbaugh's eagerness to blame a tragedy of epic proportions on the Democrats. (Dems, don't think you get off scot-free, either!)

Ultimately, I think Jon Stewart had the best take on it.

On a more serious note, Mother Jones has done some very excellent reporting on Loughner, and I would encourage anyone interested in learning more to check out the following articles.

Exclusive: Loughner Friend Explains Alleged Gunman's Grudge Against Giffords

Jared Lee Loughner's Currency Obsession

Explained: Jared Loughner's Grammar Obsession

Should Mental Health Be a Public Safety Issue?

Women's body issues: men's fault or women's?

Ohhh... FanTASTic!! I can eat more now because a may-un gave me permission to!

Anyone who reads this article and buys this line of bull, listen up for a minute: It is not "other women" but society that gives women these body insecurities, and society's ideals of female beauty are very much modeled on those of a very specific ruling class of men.

Hey guys, you like your woman just the way she is and don't want her to feel like she has to be model skinny or live up to some stupid and unrealistic ideal? That's great! I commend you for thinking for yourself (kinda) and not just caving to society's ideals. (No sarcasm there. I really mean that.)

But!! That still doesn't mean that women's body issues are only the fault of other women.

And ladies, if you feel insecure about yourselves only because you think no man will ever find you attractive, take heart: There is assuredly some fella out there who wants to do you doggie style.