In
"The Cost of Sexual Freedom," Pegah Patra reminisces about romance in Iran, where women wait for the men to come calling, and marriage proposals, apparently, are a dime a dozen. She then laments contemporary courtship rituals in the United States, writing:
The last time I walked into a club with all my single girlfriends it occurred to me that I had just entered into a casting room and I was about to audition for some sort of sexy horror movie. Not only was every girl's breast implants barely covered by their tops but their short skirts made me want to take off my skinny jeans because I seemed too conservative and felt the pressure to fit in.
By stark contrast, she writes, in Iran, the courting couple's families get together before the couple walks into a room by themselves to decide whether they want to carry on the relationship. According to Patra,
"although they both might feel aroused by the attraction they have for each other the man never loses his respect for the girl."Patra goes on to mourn those 17% of men who remain unmarried today, compared with 6% in 1980 and then compares women to farm animals before concluding that this is the fault of feminism for making sex so easily available and pining for
Gone With the Wind-style courtship. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and all that bunk.
I don't even know where to begin... Well, first of all, if you're looking for your soulmate in a bar or club, you are probably going to be sorely disappointed. There's nothing wrong with bars (you know, aside from how frickin' expensive they all are), but the last time I checked, most folks I know go to bars to hang out, drink, and sometimes listen to a band or do some stupid shit. Plus, bars are full of pervs, creeps, and weirdos. Sure, you
could find an excellent romantic partner in a pub. I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you're counting on it, you're probably going to be disappointed. The only thing I'm really hoping for when I walk into a bar is a good selection of beers, preferably a nice IPA.
Obviously, I think that sexual freedom is a good thing, generally speaking. Yes, it has its pitfalls, but I think it's pretty nice to live in a country where we enjoy relatively easy access to contraceptives, where we don't stone women for having pre-marital sex, and where we don't execute people just because they happen to enjoy sex with folks of the same gender.
As for the pitfalls, well, Patra speaks of men who dump women if they don't put out by the third date. She also writes,
"Even if a girl is sexually open and available there is no guarantee that the man won't disappear without any reason or explanation within a short period of time." You want to know something really crazy?
Women do that, too! Yes, Pegah! There exist in today's society women who actually enjoy no-strings-attached sex, women who might dump a guy if they find him boring in the sack, and women who do "put out" by the third date! (We won't tell her that some women eagerly and willingly have sex even on the first date.)
Now, personally, casual sex really isn't my "thing," but who am I to tell somebody else they're wrong for enjoying it? Stay safe, take the necessary precautions, and make sure it's all consensual. That's all I ever ask of anybody. (Oh, and please be adults, too.) Though some old-fashioned folks may lament our society's acceptance of pre-marital sex (like people never boinked before marriage in the 1950s), frankly, I think it's a good thing. It's optional, of course, but for many people, it's important for bonding in a relationship and for determining whether that relationship has long-term viability.
As to that 6% versus 17% statistic (of men aged 40 to 44 who have never been married), I say we cut the fellas a little slack. It's (somewhat) more socially acceptable for women to reject marriage, and I know I'm not the only feminist to advocate this. Marriage is a
lot of work (or so I hear). It's for some people, but it's not for others. The truth is, some men very much desire marriage with a person they love, and some women very much fear marriage. Why pressure
anybody into choosing a lifestyle they don't want?
I'm also interested in how our social acceptance of gay folks might have impacted that statistic. Consider a few things here: approximately 10% of the general population is estimated to be gay; it's more acceptable now to be "out of the closet" than it was in 1980; and many, many gay men in the past would marry a woman in the hope of convincing either themselves or their families that they were straight (OK, this still happens, unfortunately). Taken all together, it kind of makes sense that more men today would choose not to marry, many possibly for this very reason.
To be perfectly honest, I "get" a little bit of where Patra is coming from. Nobody should feel like they have to "compete" for the love of their life. Nobody should feel pressured into going further sexually than they really want to. And people should have the ultimate respect for their partners and partners' families. But Patra also makes the unfortunate assumption that romance and true love are merely a thing of the past when that simply isn't the case. For as long as there are cads and players, there will also be good guys who genuinely want a chance at love. It's easy to feel disillusioned, but remember that feeling sorry for yourself won't get you out into the world to meet new people and self-pity is hardly attractive in either sex.
Oh, and one more thing.
Gone With the Wind? Please. Women were property in Civil War-era America, even the rich ones like Scarlett O'Hara.
