The subject of feminism's compatibility with stay-at-home motherhood has always raised hackles among feminists. While some feminists would argue that stay-at-home motherhood is A-OK, others would say that you can't be both a feminist and a stay-at-home mother. (You don't really see so much of this conflict regarding the subject of stay-at-home fathers, however, and I think this is primarily because there are so many more women who forgo work outside the home than men who do so.)
My own opinions on the matter have been evolving for as long as I've considered myself a feminist (since about the age of 17). What I'm about to argue now is something I don't think I would have agreed with even a full year ago, but here goes...
Yes, I think you can be a feminist and a stay-at-home mother.
There are some caveats to this argument, however. To begin with, stay-at-home motherhood is not an inherently feminist lifestyle by itself, or at least, I don't consider it to be. This particular choice is status quo. Stay-at-home motherhood really doesn't do anything to advance gender equality in society, but that doesn't mean stay-at-home moms are altogether incapable of advancing gender equality in other ways.
A woman who chooses this lifestyle, I think, should also acknowledge the great deal of privilege that typically accompanies stay-at-home motherhood. There is a glaring class dichotomy within the subject of homemaking. For years and years, some women (specifically, upper-class white women) were told that this was their only option, that this was the only acceptable lifestyle they could choose. For other women (anybody in the poor or working class), this was not an option at all. For many Americans today, it still isn't an option. How many families do you know that can support themselves entirely on one income?
But having said that, I think a stay-at-home mom can be a feminist. Anyone who argues to the contrary should remember there are plenty of other ways to promote gender equality that don't necessarily have to involve working outside the home. A stay-at-home mom can be a feminist when she's raising her children to hold strong beliefs in gender equality, when she teaches her daughters that their worth is not based in their physical appearance or their ability to snag a man and when she teaches her sons that men and women are equal and that they should respect each other and pursue happy, healthy relationships with all people.
A feminist stay-at-home mom would ideally also emphasize to her children that her decision to be a homemaker is a matter of choice , that this lifestyle may be either unideal or unattainable for other women, and that her own choice is no more or less valid than the working mom who relies upon daycare providers to help juggle work and family.
Volunteer opportunities are also great. I think a stay-at-home mom who wants to advance feminist goals/gender equality should consider the various volunteer opportunities available to her. She can volunteer with battered women's shelters, Planned Parenthood, her local chapter of NOW, or any of a great number of other feminist organizations. Why not get the kids involved, too? After all, it's never too early to encourage the volunteer spirit.
Anybody who knows me well, or hell, has had a five-minute conversation with me, knows that I would likely never be caught dead as a stay-at-home mom. I don't really know if I want kids yet, but I do know that if I have them, I'll be a working mom. That will be my choice. Feminism isn't "all about choice," but choice is a major aspect of feminism. In the past, feminism was necessary to ensure women could have a choice about what to do with their lives. Hell, what am I talking about? "In the past"? It's still necessary! Though women have vastly more choices now than we did 100 or 50 years ago, we've still got a lot of work to do.
From my point of view, the feminist movement, however stratified and varied, should value every individual person's contribution to the advancement of gender equality, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant that contribution may be. We can afford to do no less than this.
However, I am still not convinced about the merits of pole-dancing as a feminist choice. :-P
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